SAGE Language Guide
A quick reference for ownership language, for people who already understand SAGE and want a guide to the language itself.
The two steps
"I'm the one making meaning of this."
"What meaning do I want to make?"
The first returns you to yourself. Whatever happened, the meaning is being made by you. The second is the choice, not what to think or feel, but how you want to meet this moment.
Using this guide
- Use it all the time, not only in hard moments. The mindset is built through repetition.
- The examples are illustrations, not scripts.
- When you use "I feel," finish the sentence by connecting the feeling to your interpretation, so you remember it's arising in you rather than being delivered to you.
- Self-check. If nobody can disagree with what you just said, you're owning your experience, because you're only talking about yourself.
Emotions
When you're about to express a feeling as though it exists independently of you.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "He made me angry." | "I feel angry with how I'm interpreting this." |
| "This situation is making me anxious." | "I feel anxious with how I'm thinking about this." |
| "I am depressed." | "I feel depressed with the meaning I'm making of this." |
| "You make me feel alive." | "I feel alive when I'm with you." |
Observations
When you're about to describe a situation or make a judgment as though it were objective fact.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "That's ridiculous." | "That seems ridiculous to me." |
| "This is beautiful." | "I experience this as beautiful." |
Other people
Own your perception of them instead of telling them about them.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "You are so critical." | "I'm hearing this as criticism." |
| "You're being defensive." | "I'm perceiving you as defensive." |
| "You're angry at me." | "I'm perceiving you as angry." |
Remove blame, and praise
When you're about to blame or judge another person.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "You let me down when you changed the plan." | "I'm disappointed with what I'm making the change in plans mean." |
| "You made a mess of this." | "I'm upset with how I'm perceiving this." |
| "You're so creative." | "I appreciate your creativity." |
Praise works the same way as blame. "You're so creative" makes you the judge of the other person. "I appreciate your creativity" keeps all the warmth and expresses it as your own experience.
Impersonal to personal
Replace "it" with "I," and notice how much more you connect with what you're saying.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "It is tiring." | "I'm finding this tiring." |
| "It is delightful." | "I'm delighted with this." |
| "It's too much." | "I'm experiencing this as too much right now." |
Return to now
When you're about to argue about the past or catastrophize about the future. You're not the person from the past, only the person you are right now, and the hurt you carry from the past is happening in you now, which means it can shift now. Set aside what may never be agreed on about the past and ask what you feel, what you need and what you can do right now.
| Outside-in | Ownership language |
|---|---|
| "You always do this, just like last time." | "I'm not confident we'll agree on what happened, but what can we do right now?" |